Life will be good, it will be really good. I am happy and things seem to be going well. Then out of nowhere I just drop. Emotions fill me up like cement. My heart hardens and my body feels like a stump too dense to move.
I am just overwhelmed by sadness. I feel nothing and everything at the same time. Daylight burns bright but will be in a place of complete darkness.
The office, my home, even my mind. Sometimes I don’t even walk into that place I’m pushed into it.
Maybe for you that place is seeing that car that your best friend died in, seeing your boss every day who has the same name as your abuser, or seeing the people who triggered your depression falling back into old patterns.
How are you supposed to get through this season, nevermind the day?
1. Walk through it, don’t run
You can try filling up that dark and empty room in your mind with senseless noise: work, alcohol, partying. It will distract you, believe me, I’ve tried it, but you will find yourself back in that same dark place before the night even comes to an end.
Your thoughts will silence any thunderous music, you will lose your appetite for alcohol and work… well, concentration can only last so long.
What I have come to learn is that that dark place I try to avoid will demand my presence and I need to just BE in it. I need to feel what it demands that I feel, and when I am ready, I walk out. I do not run (from it), I walk (out).
There is no timer, I walk and walk at my own pace.
2. A task a day
Sometimes getting up in the morning and getting dressed for the day is all that I manage to do for that day. That is a victory! I never try to delude myself into thinking I am a hero. If that one task is all I can do that day (face the world and be presentable) that is it. I’ll try doing a bigger task tomorrow.
I let go of the guilt of not accomplishing everything on a to-do list. The days I just get up and managed to carry my load – I owned that day.
3. Own the load
If there is one statement I detest it’s: “Oh but there are people out there who have it worse than you”.
This is what God, the universe, life decided I will go through.
No one has the right to belittle your load! It is yours and you are the only one carrying it! If it were meant for someone else they would know its weight.
3. Try it anyway
Try new things, it’s so cliché I know, but try. Not just activities but behaviour too. Take risks, ask questions you usually only dare think, speak your unfiltered mind unfiltered (beyond just your friends and family).
It is terrifying, and you won’t always enjoy it because it is so uncomfortable but do it. This did not come easy for me, that would be a lie.
I just kind of stopped overthinking it and did it.